just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
