I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
