I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
