you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
