I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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