So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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