I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
