it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
