I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm too high and old for this...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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