Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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