we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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