That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
