Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
