My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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