brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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