Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
