OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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