i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize