I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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