What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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