I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
