I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
