She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
