he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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