I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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