I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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