go do what you do best...puke behind churches
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize