he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
