I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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