I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
