the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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