Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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