Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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