Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
