I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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