I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize