She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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