So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Slut skills are useful in every country.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
