Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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