If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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