His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
third nipple confirmed
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
