I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
a search helicopter?!
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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