i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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