seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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