Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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