i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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