I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
