Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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