zippers are such a cool invention
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
