I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
