Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
