does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We have started to decorate penises.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
