Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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