he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
