you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Pants are for mortals
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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