Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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