I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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