farters have to be the big spoon...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
