I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
