I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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