All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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