it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
