When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
